battle of the heart
"I don't believe in anything but myself
But then you opened up a door, you opened up a door
Now I start to believe in something else
But how do I know if I'll make it through?
How do I know? Where's the proof in you?
And so it goes, this soldier knows
The battle with the heart isn't easily won
But it can be won, but it can be won."
~Ingrid Michaelson
Bare with me as I try to make sense of my thoughts and feel strongly the need to share them. These are very personal experiences, so please take kindly to them. :)
I have been a bit overwhelmed with a variety of emotions the last few weeks. Maybe that's an understatement. Several times in my life I have felt overwhelmed with a variety of emotions. After months of being too sick to go to the temple, I finally made it back. Everything that morning (that week more of) was seemingly happening not in my favor to go. As I pulled up (racing) knowing I was probably missing the next session (they only run every hour), I said a little prayer and walked in. I ran into a friend and probably seemed a bit rushed as I tried to show my excitement to see her but I knew I really was late. Everything seemed to take twice as long being pregnant and of course I had to make a trip to the bathroom or I knew I wouldn't make it through the whole session. At this point in time the session should have started 10 minutes earlier. I went up to the little lady anyway and she proceeded to direct me to where I needed to be for the session. I was a bit shocked, but kept thinking I'm probably gonna be waiting for an hour. I sat down and there were a few people in there. Hmm...Either I wasn't really late or these people were really late too. So I sat. Tried to calm down. About 5 minutes went by and I overheard a gentleman say he was sorry, but that they were running about 20 minutes behind due to an earlier session. Immediately tears started streaming down my face. I felt so much love fill the room as I thanked Heavenly Father for this tender mercy.
(Boston, Massachusetts LDS Temple)
I remember the first time I recognized the spirit in my life, testifying to me of the truth of the love of a Savior and Heavenly Father. I was 14. Up until that point I would be labeled as your average Mormon who came from an active family and always went to church because your parents did. I never doubted the church but I can say I never gained a testimony of it's truthfulness for myself until my teenage years. When my parents openly started their path towards divorce, I was just 12 years old. Those were tough years. At such a young age, but old enough to know the circumstance and the impact it had on me, I had my moments of wondering why such a trial would come my way. These experiences led me to prayer. A child's innocent prayer to bless that everything would be fixed.
Every night Porter's prayers consistently go something like this:
"Dear Heavenly Father. Thank you for this day. Please bless that mom will feel better. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." Brian and I look at each other every time and smile. He usually does it with a bit of a rush. Some nights Brian and I will intervene and help him to say a bit more then just his normal two sentences. Most nights we let it be. If that is what he feels the need to pray for then so be it. Who am I to judge what goes on in that little brain, and the reasoning behind his prayers. He may be just 3 but I do believe there are nights where they are very heartfelt and not just repetition even though they are the same.
His little prayer reminds me of my prayers as a young teenager. After one of these prayers as a teenager I received a small piece of peace. And a feeling to seek guidance from my Young Women leaders. This was a bit strange for me because it was the first time I really recognized the spirit telling me something specific. So I followed. This was the start of my testimony. A simple act of faith. How grateful I am for this prompting that led me to some of the most amazing women I have ever known, but that's a different story. Maybe another time.
At one point I received a bit of advice that really opened the door for me. Something along of lines of "Everything happens for a reason. The Lord won't give you anything you can't handle." I remember specifically sitting in my room praying with every ounce of energy I had. " Is this true?! Am I meant to have this trial for a reason?!" A whole new concept for me. I had always known to pray for things to get better. This seemed to be opposite.
I recently came across a talk from Elder Bednar "That we might 'not shrink'". (click here). He tells of a story of a couple he met. This couple had been married for 3 weeks when the husband was diagnosed with cancer. The couple asked Elder Bednar for a Priesthood Blessing. Before Elder Bednar could give the blessing he felt impressed to ask this couple some questions. Even he said he was surprised by this first question. First question:
"Do you have the faith to not be healed?"
I look back at the faith I attained with the trials that came from the divorce of my parents. And I still consider to be a trial in many aspects. With my little innocent heart I put all the faith I had into that trial. And went forward believing that trial was mine for a reason and no matter the outcome, it was for my good. I may never know all the reasoning behind it. But I do know over the years I have been able to recognize so many important things that have come of that trial. The most important blessing I received came from that trial. My testimony of the gospel. Of a Father in Heaven and His Son with endless, perfect love for me. A testimony of the peace and strength They have to offer. Nothing is more important to me then gaining this knowledge.
As I was driving home from the temple, with a million things on my mind, I felt a bit of guilt overcome me. It seems I am continuing to be imperfect each day. And it's a bit frustrating. An overwhelming amount of love and peace filled my heart in that moment. I almost had to pull over as the tears were streaming down my face. When I first think of my life, it seems quite overwhelming and quite frankly a bit out of my grasp to perfect it. "I must have a long ways to go." A phrase that runs through quite often. I wonder what my thoughts were before I came here. Did I think the same thing. Or did I use my innocent faith and take the jump with out a doubt in my mind?! That faith in the Lord would get me where I need to be. No matter what it takes to get there. Do I have the faith to not be healed? Or in other words, Do I have the faith to take on every trial/life experience that comes my way, knowing the outcome might not end in sunshine, or end for that matter? Do I have the faith to accept His will?
It seems as a new trial has been arising in my life I find my perspective on it changing rapidly. Having a high risk pregnancy is pretty exhausting, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. After seeing the high risk doctor, they are a bit more worried with me then last time with Porter and have taken many more precautions. Thankfully, I have not been put on bed rest yet, but I feel like I'm on walking bed rest with all the restrictions and medications. And this part isn't really what bothers me. I want to do everything in my power to bring my children here safely. The thing that scares me the most is not knowing the outcome. Not knowing if I will carry full term and all will be well, or if little guy decides to come early as his brother did. Again, that unknown part. I have seemed to face it quite often the last few years.
Life is supposed to be full of everyday experiences that push and stretch us, sometimes break us. It tries the knowledge we have gained. I know I have felt more then once that it seems overwhelming to think how many more trials I will have to face. And it feels as though my little heart can't handle anymore. Some days it's easier to just give in to the natural man and step a little off the course to take a breather. Let doubt seep in and pretend being in the same place is where I want to be, because it is so much more convenient to just stay put. But then I'm reminded from that same spirit that touched my heart so many years ago that I chose to be here. And I knew the outcome of this life would be greater then anything that had ever existed. And so I must have known to an extent that I would come here and face trials that would not end happy. And would leave my heart feeling broken. But knowing eventually, the battle can be beat. And it will be oh so worth it.
"And so it goes, this soldier knows
The battle with the heart isn't easily won
But it can be won, but it can be won."
(At Waldon Pond)
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