glimmers of hope

Beckham's birthday was a hard day for me.  I wasn't expecting it to be hard. But it was.  I shut down.  I didn't answer any phone calls, I didn't seem to share much excitement of his birthday with anyone til I was laying in bed at the end of the day.  If it wasn't for my mother-in-law being in town their might not have even been a cake.  Days like these are hard.  The days I want to shut everyone and everything out. I can't seem to function if more then one thing is on my mind.  They are hard because I remember what it was like to not feel this way. So overwhelmed by the simplest things in life.  Everyday tasks that most people don't even notice their doing.  I was trying to figure out why it would hit me so hard on such an exciting day. Especially because I had been feeling so good the last few months. A few hard days here and there but nothing that stopped me from functioning.  I realized as I was thinking about Beckham's first year of his life that it has been nearly a year since these emotions started to overcome me.  That's exhausting. I felt discouraged as it has been that long and on the hard days it feels like there has been no progress in healing.  When in realty I know there has been much progress, it's just slow going and so when your stuck in the middle of it it's hard to have the right perspective.

I have never felt so vulnerable and flawed as I share experiences like these.  I've had many promptings and people tell me I should write about my experiences.  They will help me find healing.  They will help other people.  I've always been a huge believer in this.  I've shared so many of my life experiences through writing and have reaped and seen so many blessings from it.  So why is it so hard to share this one?!

I am amazed at how many fellow mothers who have reached out to me expressing their heartache with this illness as well.  At times this has brought me much comfort knowing I'm not alone in this battle, but then I grieve for them knowing the exact pain and anguish they face everyday.  Most of them silently doing it.  And maybe without realizing that they are fighting it with mighty courage and faith that doesn't go unnoticed. 

I specifically choose not to write on the hard days.  I fear that if my heart is opened too wide it might be crushed by the unknown.  I fear if I put words to the war in my head then it means I've lost.  It becomes real.  

Today I'm being brave.  I'm writing on a hard day.  I'm writing because I feel it's the best way to share the emotions and lessons learned from this trial.  I can do hard things.  Something I've learned at a young age and it looks like I needed a little reminder.  Tonight as I was helping Porter get ready for bed I was reminded of that.  Back in July I lost a favorite shirt I have of Porter's.  For the life of me I could not find it.  We moved and I thought for sure I'd find it during all the sorting and unpacking.  No luck.  I lost hope and figured it was gone for good. Earlier today Porter had laid out all his super hero costumes (trying to decide what to wear for Halloween).  Brian came in and cleaned everything up so we would have a fresh start to the day tomorrow, not knowing Porter had them out for a special reason.  The tears came and the melt down happened when Porter discovered his clean room.  After he became rational again we agreed to pull his costumes back out right before bedtime.  As I was pulling out Captain America and Spiderman my hand caught a red shirt.  I immediately started to cry.  Over a shirt.  The missing shirt.  Stinky and dirty as ever seeing it sat, with who knows what snack he had that day on it, in a box for months.  But it was found.  I felt so much hope in that moment. 

Before I sound crazy over a shirt I'll explain.  Today was a particularly hard day.  Harder then I've had in a while.  There was so much unfeeling, feeling of hopelessness,  feeling unnoticed, forgotten, confusion, anger, and an overall wondering of "why in the world am I STILL going through this?!"  It's starting to fall under the category of purely depression seeing that baby came over a year ago. At least with the title of "post partum" I felt there was reasoning behind it.  Something to blame it on.  What am I doing wrong?  Why does it feel like all my hard work isn't working?  So much guilt and failure ran through my head today.  It's not a fun place to be.  Especially when I know EXACTLY what it feels like to not be there.  And there is nothing I can do about it when it strikes.  I can feel it.  It's like a dark cloud over me.  Covering up that darn sun.  And the only thing I can do is hold up my umbrella and wait for the rays of sun to start peeking through again because there is no running from it.  

A ray of light came piercing through my soul when I held that shirt.  Some may say it is a coincidence or luck but I believe with all my heart that moments like those are God giving us reminders that He is there.  That He is so real. And that He loves us.  He knew in that moment all I needed was something.  Anything.  A small reminder that I am not alone in this.

For the longest time I've explained it as if I'm grieving something but I don't have anything to grieve. I finally came to the understanding that I crave and grieve for the old me.  But I know in my heart there is a better me being made through all of this.  And one day, one beautiful day there will be rest from this heartache.  Until that day I will continue to hold on with all my might.  Hold on to the hope of a Savior who knows EXACTLY how I feel and has given me a way to fight it.  I will keep looking for those rays of sunlight from a loving Heavenly Father who I know is looking down on me, grieving with me but also giving me glimmers of hope reminding me to "Be Still" and know that He will calm the storm.

Fix You by Cold Play

Posted on Instagram yesterday:

"Some days/moments are harder then others. Raising two kiddos definitely isn't the easiest thing I've ever done. But one thing that has come easy is the indescribable love I feel for them and the incredible joy I feel to be blessed as their mother. I also know that as I allow God more in my motherhood, He helps me fill the gaps where I feel I don't measure up. I'm grateful to live in a time where recording and capturing their every day small moments is easy. I hope that one day they will appreciate knowing more about their childhood and who they are to help set them up to become a better them in their future. ~ Mama loves you little ones. Never forget that."