looking

You can't tell by looking.  Or can you?  

Pain.  Grief.  Heartache.  Loneliness.  Depression.  Anxiety.  Mental illness.  Trials.  If you were to look at a person could you see all the emotions they were feeling right then?  Could you see the experiences they've faced?  Can you really tell who a person is by looking at them?  

How many times in my life have I passed judgement based off of one look.  One glance at someone or the first action I see from them and I have assumed who they are. Good or bad.  Without even meaning to.

There are days where I can feel the world spinning and I'm stuck moving in slow motion.  Particularly when I'm surrounded by a lot of people I seem to freeze.  Even if just for a moment.  People walking by.  Driving by.  I'm just another one of those people.  Living my life.  For a moment I try to look.  I think to myself all the things and life experiences in my life and then I can't imagine what each of these people must be facing in their lives. And quite possibly nobody even knows except for them.  

I remember a couple weeks after I had surgery after Beckham was born we were all a little stir crazy.  We needed to get out of the house.  So we went to the mall.  For who knows what.  I pushed the stroller because it acted as a crutch and I could hold my balance better.  I still had a hard time walking very fast and my energy levels were slim to none.  Like I had just ran a marathon and then got ran over by a train.  I was amazed as I walked through the mall surrounded by hundreds of people and I felt so vulnerable.  What if someone bumped into me?  I felt so fragile. I just wanted to cry.  Not that I was looking for any sympathy, but I watched everyone hustle about and realized not a single person had any idea what I had just gone through.  Or why I walked with a death grip to that stroller hunched over in sweats and a t-shirt.  

And then it hit me.  So hard I almost fell.  Everyone was facing their own battles.  It was one of those "frozen" moments.  I so desperately wanted to see into the souls of those people.  Even just to know a tiny fracture of what they were going through.  Enough so I could remind them they weren't alone in their trials they were facing.

I once read an article about how "you can't tell a mother has post-partum depression just by looking at her".   It then showed pictures of mothers.  Beautiful pictures that you would look once and never guess the struggle going on.  Under each picture was a description of what the mother was going through.  "You can't tell by looking but..."

It struck me that this must be true for most people in general when it comes to emotional, mental and often even physical pain.  People are strong.  They hide it well whether they mean to or not. While some prefer to keep it personal for their own reasons,  I think perhaps some hide it because of fear of others not understanding.  

This picture was taken a year ago. You can't tell by looking but I was suffering from post-partum depression and anxiety.  I felt numb.  I longed to feel again.  Every day was a fight to function.  Anger, fear, self-pity, loneliness, and sadness became my unwanted companions constantly.  I felt as if I was treading water and the thought of anyone or anything tugging me would surely drown me.  Sometimes things like the very thought of answering the phone gave me enough anxiety to do me in. Every day I had to fight for my self worth. Something I had never had to fight for before. Some days I lost and some days I won.  Everyday I had to force myself to kneel and pray for strength.   

While I still struggle today, a year later, with most of those feelings I have not felt the Lord leave my side.  With Him, I have overcome a lot and know it is a work in progress and that there will be rest from it one day.  I have learned to endure the harder days with much more patience and faith.  I have felt more sympathy and empathy for others as I have had my "frozen" moments and try to understand who people are.  

I had no idea what depression entailed until I faced it myself. While I considered myself to be a loving and caring person, I admit I was one of those to think isn't it something that most people get because it is self inflicted?  If they just got up and did something wouldn't they feel better?!  Such a selfish and naive thought.  I can hardly believe the same me thought that in the slightest.  The road I've taken to see the truth in those questions have been inconsistent, frustrating, and devastating but I'm grateful I've been able to take it because my eyes have been opened to a much more beautiful view of the world.

I hope to be quicker to be kind and slower to judge as I interact with others.  I have been shocked as I have tried to put those walls down and have been able to see glimpses of who people really are and the love I feel for them that I might not have felt otherwise. 

Surely trials really are a way to bring us closer to Christ and help us learn to take on His attributes of pure charity and love. 

Perhaps not "looking" but seeing beyond what is right in front of us is when we can really help those around us.