Today I witnessed a miracle: Me

November 12, 2015

The house is quiet.  The only thing bringing light in is the night sky.  I hear rain trickle outside my window.  My mind reflects on more things then I can count as I try to fall asleep.  Today was hard. Yesterday was hard. The desire to do even simple things completely escaped my grasp.  But I still did them. Motions. No emotions. The hardest part about no emotions is not letting the adversary fill you with the wrong emotions.  And so defeated I felt. Worn out from trying to win what seems to be a never ending battle of emotions.
These days don't happen as often anymore. For that I am grateful. But when they strike I often feel as if it's striking for the first time all over again. As if I've never had relief from the numbness and pain that comes from a broken mind. A broken mind.  Can it be mended?  It's like shards of glass shattered into sliver-like pieces.  A mender cannot simply just pick them up.  Nor can all the pieces be seen with the visible eye. 
It's complicated. Glueing 5 pieces back together would be easy, like a children's puzzle.  Yes, to the child it may seem challenging but in time it can be done.  It can become easy. This. How does this become easy? There always seems to be a piece missing as time draws on.  The never ending 1000+ piece puzzle seems to be gathering more pieces as each new one gets laid into its proper place. 
It feels like a burden.  A burden to the mender who is desperately trying to help pick up each piece without getting scarred. My heart weeps.  Tears stream down my aching soul. Despair that there is no end to this torment.  And then...

And then I look down at the mender's hands. The hands so carefully and gracefully picking up the pieces with ease.  The hands that are already scarred and worn.  How can that be? My pieces were just broken with not enough time to have been torn and then healed from the wounds my burden awaits to any who try to grasp it. 

The hands so readily waiting to gather what's left of a broken me gently motions to come to Him. The price has already been paid.  The scars are already there.  The already wounded hands have felt the pain I feel now. For I fear of the price it took to be free of it's anguish.  My burden. My pain. No one deserves another's heartache.  These hands bare the weight of the world. Battered and bruised from its past, present, and future.  But these hands are healed.  Marked with its past of pain, but still they are healed. Healed from mending the seemingly endless broken hearts.  

My broken heart.  My broken mind. 

“He died not for men, but for each man. If each man had been the only man made, He would have done no less.” 

― C.S. Lewis

November 18, 2015

As I sat in the temple a few days prior a painting that stood out to me reminded me of the ill woman who reaches for Christ's robes. Knowing if she can just touch them He would have the power to heal her.  I felt impressed to ponder this story and search for hope in it.  Such a brief story but is filled with so much courage and faith and hope. 

And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague.

In what seemed to be some of the darkest days yet I was asked one simple question in the Priesthood blessing of comfort and healing my husband and Heavenly Father gave me: "Do you believe your faith can make thee whole?"

The experiences following led to peace I know can only come from Divine love.   

November 19, 2015

I felt impressed to start a grateful journal a few weeks ago.  To write down even one thing I'm grateful for that day. In today's journal I wrote:

" *The Atonement: Only time will tell but I trust that if depression is something I am to struggle with then it is the BEST thing for me.  I truly have faith that whatever happens it is right. And I will do my best to show that faith as I endure on. The Atonement is real. I felt it lift the weight of my burdens to almost nothing.  I found myself almost in tears because I was so grateful for each moment in my day today. That although sometimes hard and tiring raising two kids, I could feel. And it felt good. Driving, grocery shopping, dishes, making dinner, spending time with my boys.  Almost as if I've been deprived of it and I'm just getting it all back.  I have truly witnessed a miracle from the Lord. Though the trial may not be healed, my perspective and attitude for it is healed. And I'm living proof God gives miracles. He gives miracles to those with faith.  I am determined to hold on to these past few days and emotions and know whatever comes, I can do it. 

*My back hurts:  Seriously, it hurts because my day was filled with things to do.  Good things. Things I was (mostly) motivated to do.  Daily routines can be hard, monotonous, exhausting, tedious. But that fact I get to wake up everyday to this life is a blessing and I felt it today. I felt today. I felt hard work and it was hard but it was good."

Today I witnessed a miracle: Me.


Today
 I looked deeper then I have ever looked into my faith and the only answer for that question, that question I think about everyday, was "Yes. I have faith you can make me whole. BUT I have greater faith that being healed might not be what I need."

A stillness came over me and in that moment I could feel my heart beat again. 



You're shattered like you've never been before
The life you knew in a thousand pieces on the floor
Words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never going to get back to the you you used to be.
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away, step into the light of grace
Yesterdays a closing door you don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
Tell your heart to beat again

Beginning just let that word wash over you
It's alright now, love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Because your story's far from over and your journey's just begun
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away, step into the light of grace
Yesterdays a closing door you don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
Tell your heart to beat again
Let every heartbreak and every scar
Be the picture that reminds you, who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heavens working everything for your good
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away, step into the light of grace
Yesterdays a closing door you don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again
Oh so tell your heart to beat again


For behold, I am God; and I am a God of miracles; and I will show unto the world that I am the same yesterday, today, and forever; and I work not among the children of men save it be according to their faith.



(photo credit: picture taken of a friend's picture by Yongsung Kim)


Today I continue to witness a miracle:  Me.


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