silence

Silence. 

One of the things I hate most about the debilitating thoughts that come with depression is the fact that the Adversary feeds off of those emotions.  In return, the once grasped idea that depression isn't my fault and it's simply a trial I'm facing quickly escalates to I'm feeling all these emotions because I'm not good enough or not worthy enough.  I'm must be doing something wrong, or not doing enough to have succumbed to these emotions yet again.  

The lie:

I must not be spiritual enough since I'm feeling this way. 

I have thrived on having the Spirit with me and being able to feel it in my daily life.  It feeds my soul. It is the sunshine in my day that allows me to grow.  I look to it's light and pray for it to seep into my soul to warm my heart and give me the comfort and guidance I so desperately desire.  

When in the thick of these emotions it seems like there's this wall that is suddenly built right in front of my view of the sun.  And no matter how hard I try to break the wall, climb the wall, walk around the wall, I just can't seem to feel the sunlight.  I know it's there. I've felt it before. But for some reason there have been several times, more times then I can count that it is just...silent. 

Am I just not recognizing the whisperings of the Spirit? 

Am I doing something wrong? 

Am I not doing enough? 

But isn't that when I need the Spirit most prevalent in my life? When it is the hardest.

Why are there times when all we hear is silence? Despite all our efforts to be a safe harbor for the Spirit to dwell.  I am sure that in my life I have felt the love of my Heavenly Father and have felt His guiding power through the Spirit. I know He is there.  But this trial has been the first time I have suddenly felt a silence. 

The words from a loved childhood primary song come to mind. 

Heavenly Father, are you really there? 

And do you hear and answer ev'ry child's prayer? 

Something I love and am grateful for that has come from depression is the ability to be still. Being still has moved me to view the world in a different light.  It makes things like simple primary songs have deeper meaning to me. Of course this comes not in the moments of darkness but rather the moments just after the darkness has been overcome.  After the hard work has been done.   The depth of the sorrow felt makes the warmth of the light that much sweeter.   And right there is the moment life becomes more meaningful.  More beautiful.  Worth coming here for. 

Silence.

Stillness.

I imagine the world spinning and we must learn to center ourselves and find the stillness in life.  And the only way to get to the "eye of the storm" is to weather the storm.  To "walk on" and move in it. Perhaps sometimes the silence isn't really silence at all but rather a chance to find the stillness.   While the storm can be overbearing and even deafening at times,  the view from its' center is quite remarkable and something worth fighting for.  Clarity comes in those still moments and the rays of light are felt once again.  I'm certain there will be a day when dark clouds no longer loom our skies and light will be felt with ease and appreciation.  Until then, it is our turn to search for and make the pathway clearer for more and more rays to break through.