stillness

There I was. Plummeted deep in the very hole I had thought I’d never succumb to. Why? Because I was stronger then that. I had no desire to even peek over the dark hole to see what was down there. 

“Define hole.” A voice whispered to me. 

Define hole? It’s a.. a big dark scary pit.  A place you end up in if you trip or fall... Define hole?... 

Had I tripped? Had I fallen? How did I end up in the scary deep dark hole?  

Wait.. define hole? It’s a hole!... I’m confused. 

Since I can remember I’ve felt close to my Heavenly Father.  My source of guidance and comfort was pretty predictable for me.  Reliable.  I pray for help and I either receive it or I receive peace and strength to endure it. I recognize where it comes from. It never occurred to me that formula wouldn’t always be there.  I once had a friend ask me “It works for you? You pray and actually get answers?” 

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Hear the silence

See the tears falling down

I am wounded

And I want to be found

Come find me

I want to feel you near

In this noisy world on a sphere

I see your smile

In faded light

Here in the darkness I’m calling

I’ve trusted you before

If your listening

I’m down on my knees

Doubt surrounds me 

And I want to believe

Move in me, I want to understand 

Where my place is 

In this great big plan

I see your hope 

In distant reach

Here in the shadows I’ve fallen

Send me the warmth I once knew

Hear me, oh hear me

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After growing and enduring through what felt like a never ending earthquake in my life, a silence loomed over me.  I finally felt at ease with the raging thunder.  I envisioned sunlight breaking through and birds chirping, like in the movies when the storm clears and suddenly everything is good again. I wasn’t even expecting a rainbow...I guess. I was tired. Worn out. I was ready for my predictable guidance.  Especially after the storm.  Kinda like a “job well done” or “take a rest” or even “here’s what’s next”.  I envisioned a little more then silence.  I wasn’t prepared for silence. It wasn’t a restful silence.  It was like the heavens were shut and I was slowly being forgotten.  I felt lost in a deep dark hole.  I’d slipped through the cracks.  I trusted in the light I had seen once before.  I knew it was there.  But it just seemed too far up to reach.  Why was I in this hole?  What had I done wrong to have found myself trapped? 

“Define hole.” The Spirit whispered to me. 

I could tell you that I saw the light and realized I wasn’t in a hole and all was well. Was that what He was trying to tell me.  That I wasn’t really in a hole?  But what would be the point in that, even if it were true.  This is real life, real experiences, real trials to face, real encounters with coming to know who we are individually as children of God and finding our purpose. And while yes, we are each different and will experience the tests of mortality differently, I find it helps to hear others experiences as we are all walking our own path towards our better selves. 

 Define hole?.. 

It felt like a hole.  And it was dark.  And scary.  And lonely.  And as I continued my daily physical routines of being a mother, wife, sister, daughter, and friend, I could feel my heart inside of me ache for answers.  I started to doubt if all the things that fed me spiritually were even working. It hurt. I didn’t want to doubt. I didn’t want to lose faith. But the silence was almost too much to bare.  I began to really question God.  This might seem cliche for some but it was something I’ve never doubted before and there it was in the very children’s song I grew up singing:

“Heavenly Father, are you really there? 

And do you hear and answer every single prayer?”

Renew: 

: resume after an interruption                            

: re-establish                                                      

: repeat                                                              

 : give fresh life or strength to                              

 : replace (something that is broken or worn out)

: to make like new                                              

: restore to freshness, vigor, or perfection         

: to make new spiritually                                    
: to restore to existence                                     

: to make extensive changes in                         

: to begin again                                                 

Ok, so I was in a hole. But not the kind of hole I thought I was in. I’m grateful the way the Spirit speaks to me.  Sometimes it feels a bit mysterious to try and interpret what’s being said, but I’m reminded that he often is just giving me a little nudge instead of spelling it out perfectly. Which then allows me to grow and use my agency.

Silly me. I wasn’t in a hole because of something I did or didn’t do or because I had lost faith in what I’d always believed in.  I was in a hole of refining.  Almost like it was sealing the deal of that last (not so fun) chapter in my life. Solidifying what had happened. What growth took place. Like a review test on what I had just learned.  Renewal. 

This image popped into my mind after coming to that conclusion. 

         

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I can hear you

When your rain is pouring down

When your heart breaks 

And you feel I’m not around

Be still my child

And know you’re mine

Here in your darkness

I’ve waited 

My hands have held you all along

Oh hear me, hear me

Be still my child

And know you’re mine

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So I guess that Footprints poem might actually be true.  The times you saw there were only one set of footprints on your journey really were times Christ carried us.  

Silence.  

Define silence.  Some may say it is lonely, awkward, deafening.   Some may say it is quiet, peaceful, serene. 

Stillness. I have found the ability to be still is a gift.  There is so much going on around us.  It can be so easy to be pulled in all the directions.  Even if only a few directions, your still being pulled nonetheless.   

Perhaps the silence I feared wasn’t really silence at all. But rather a chance to find stillness in my little hole. When the rest of the world outside is ready to pull me in all directions when I get out.  

As I’m still climbing I look down and can see I’ve made it that much further.  I’ve had to listen a little more carefully and watch a little more closely, but I indeed am finding that I was not forgotten.  I have seen the tender mercies of the Lord in my life.  Things that have happened, often small, that are so detailed and specific that I know only the Lord could know that it would touch my heart. I had to dig a little deeper to see it but they were there.
 Those tender mercies were there and were overflowing with God’s love for me. 

I can honestly still answer my friend when she asked if “It works for you? You pray and actually get answers?” Yes!  Even when in the deepest darkest hole. You are not forgotten. Don’t give up. Keep praying. Keep searching for purpose and meaning to your life.  The answers don’t always come right away or even in the ways you usually expect or receive them.  To that, I welcome the growth and opportunity for renewal of my faith.  But without a doubt, something I’m sure I’ll have to look back on and hold to, I know nothing will take me off His radar.  We are His children.  And that’s something worth fighting for. 

"There are depths in the sea which the storms that lash the surface into fury never reach.
  They who reach down into the depths of life where, in the stillness, the voice of God is heard, have the stabilizing power which carries them poised and serene through the hurricane of life's difficulties."
-Spencer W. Kimball

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Hear His stillness

His love knows no bounds

(Words and Music by Kim Frandsen 2017)

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