empathy

On New Year's Eve just before ringing in 2018 I had a little voice in my head clear as a bell say:

"Kim, there are good things to come in 2018."

I'm not sure what I envisioned but I know I assumed a year of ease, joy, and blessings!  How nice, I thought.  Little did I know that phrase would run through my mind daily and be a source of hope (and maybe a little confusion as to what it meant) as we experienced probably the hardest year yet. Full of deep deep sorrow. Full of pain, mental and physical. Full of sickness. Full of stress. Full of sadness. Full of letting go. Full of change. Full of anger. Full of guilt.  Full of enduring. Plain old enduring, with what feels like not much grace. A relentless day in and day out of "I just can't do this anymore."

On April 7, 2018 we awoke to pouring rain as we prepared to celebrate my oldest son choosing to get baptized as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Rain does something to me, a similar feeling I assume what sunshine does to most.  Rainy days are sunshine to my soul.  What a beautiful day to come closer to Christ.  And we did.  We were filled with such a joy and spirit of Christ that morning, surrounded by SO. MUCH. LOVE. It was overwhelming. This was certainly "good things to come" coming to pass, I thought.

Later that evening that powerful spirit of Christ's love carried through as we learned of the tragic car accident that took the lives of what mortal eyes would view as too soon, my dear cousin (& best friend) Karisa, her husband Jim, and their 2 month old baby, Julieana.  Leaving their four children under 8 to fight for their lives in the hospital amidst the grief of losing their parents and baby sister.  (More on them here.)

All I could do was fall to my knees and cry. Cry and pray to Heavenly Father for peace.  I needed His peace more then ever now.  My family needed His peace more then ever now.  The world needed His peace more then ever now.  As we all held our breath hearing of such heartache. And realizing this isn't the first time or the last time tragedies will happen.  Hard things have & will happen.  The unimaginable have & will happen.  And in those moments we have two choices.  To dig down deep and find what really matters or to lose hope.

The day before flying out to the funeral I learned our desire for one more child was finally going to happen.  This must be the "good things to come", I thought.  And just in time.  I was due around Christmas, just before the New Year.   

We also learned that week that Brian was accepted to go back to school to get his PHD.  Another "good thing to come" I thought!

My grief was abruptly put on hold as the very will to function became my priority.  Pregnancy is hard for me. But for some reason this time was so much harder. One particular day, nearly collapsed in my bathroom from being so sick I began to be angry.  This was the first time in my life I began to be angry with God.  And it hurt.  I've experienced hard things in my life before, as I know all have. I begged Him to take it away.  I knew in my heart He had the power to heal me. Not all women get this sick, I knew it was possible to feel better. Haven't I been through enough? Couldn't this just be my turn to have it be easy? I've been sick before, what more could I possibly learn from this? I just laid there and sobbed. And with love and a little boldness I had the thought:

"This trial isn't just for you."

And just when I was feeling sorry for myself and wondering why this time had to be so much worse, my eyes were opened to a much different view of sometimes why we go through the even harder things.  Though I might never know the full extent of this prompting, I have seen an abundant amount of growth in my little family and I have witnessed others have the opportunity to serve us. An opportunity to allow the Savior fill so many with lasting love and peace.

I've been learning that sometimes it isn't about a lesson learned for me.

Empathy and opportunity. 

Christ has perfect empathy for us, which is why He is so good at helping us and offers us perfect peace even in the most turmoil of times. And if you think about it when we are asked to be like Him, serve like Him, love like Him, we can't fully do that without having empathy. Though we will never take on everyone's burdens and know what that feels like, we can take what experiences we have and are given & use that to truly be like Christ as best we can. If we allow it, empathy can break down the imaginary walls that seem to stop us from helping others on a deeper level. Charity without hesitation, without limits, without fear of awkwardness, without judgement, without pride, without the little voice in your head that says: "I just don't know how to help, so I guess I won't". 

1 Peter 1:7 "That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:"

As we approached a year since the accident, nearly 9 months since moving across the country again (mid pregnancy), and having had almost 5 months with our miracle boy, Brian and I were discussing the last year and how we cherish what we have become. He said something like: "I don't want to go back to what we were, as hard as it is to accept what we've been through."  We cherish the closeness we have felt to Christ.  I can say those "good things" did come. They weren't what I expected.  But I cherish them more then anything I could have dreamed up.  I can't really put into words how precious those trials really are to me.  It doesn't take away the intensity and hardness of what has taken place.  But it has given me a deeper sense of the goodness of God. His power is real.  He can't take it all away.  And that hurts.  But I choose to believe and am understanding a little more why the hard things are necessary.  Even given out of love.  In fact, I don't think it could be given or allowed to happen without love.  It's gotta take a lot of love for us to let such deep sorrowful things happen to God's children.  I can't imagine He would let it happen unless He knew what could come of it.  What good things here and later can come of it.  Those "good things" must be worth it.