blessings in disguise
Discouraged. After countless days and nights I felt discouraged. Discouraged that I wasn't being healed by doing all the things I knew would help me over come the emotional battle I was facing. I thought a lot about this post. "Do you have the faith to not be healed?"
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I was praying for a way to overcome the battle. When the realization came that this is something that wasn't going to just go away I felt deep pain. When I realized that answer wasn't going to come, I began praying for a way to overcome the discouraged feelings I had towards the storm I was facing. I knew I had to have it. Something I consider to be a blessing to be able to realize that. So with that knowledge I prayed and prayed for a way to be able to bare it. That's when my tender mercy thought came to mind. I had the feeling to take a day, week, however long, and do everything in my power to recognize the tender mercies from the Lord. As soon as a tender mercy happened, I would take the time to quickly write it down. At first even this seemed daunting. It seemed every minute of my day was consumed by very important tasks that couldn't be put on hold for even a second or it would be a domino effect and all would falter. And then another thought came to my mind:
If the Lord has time to bless me, then I have time to be grateful for it.
Let me repeat.
If the Lord has time to bless us, then we have time to be grateful for it.
This inspired me. So the day came to take on the task. 4 am rolled around for Beckham's feeding and my day began. Since my phone is usually nearby I decided to write the tender mercies down there. I was surprised at how quickly thoughts would come into my mind that these were indeed blessings from the Lord. Simple everyday things. As the day went on it became easier and easier to recognize those blessings. It's amazing what can happen when we are looking for those tender mercies instead of waiting for them to happen. I thought I'd share a few of my notes to help give an example:
6 oz. bottle
reading scriptures
Mercy of the Lord Jacob 5
warm home
B slept
P played iPad
found my perfume
B went down for a nap
papa came home for lunch
cleaned kitchen
P hasn't watched TV
both boys slept at the same time
work out
missed anthem
$.57 socks
6 oz. bottle
no swaddle
P quesadilla
nan emailed back
she had a good week
The list goes on...
I'm sure none of these make sense. But I assure you that each have great importance to me and was a pure tender mercy for me in the moment. I was amazed at the amount of things I had already forgotten I wrote down. In a 15+ hour day of being awake there were tender mercies in each hour. Sometimes multiples. At the end of the day I looked at my accumulated list and began to sob. I knew the Lord blessed me everyday, but what I did not realize is He literally is looking to bless us constantly. Not just once a day, or a couple times a month. It was overwhelming the love I felt He had for me.
As each of them happened I felt a small piece of victory over the deep pain lingering in my mind. This simple act of gratitude did not heal me. Didn't even come close. But it did provide me with more strength and comfort to bare the burden.
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That next week is the week the sister missionaries spoke of broken things. Within that same week I had a friend call me and open the doors for me to talk about my struggle. The conversation was no where near leading to postpartum depression. In fact all she was doing was asking if we wanted to join them for dinner that weekend and out of the blue she just asked me how I was doing and that she had dealt with postpartum depression with all of her children and wanted to make sure I wasn't dealing with that. So many people have been sent my way that had no idea of my pain and knew exactly what to say to create a lasting bond with them that would be so much light for me. Just another reminder that the Lord is so aware of my trial. He is so aware of my pain. And he doesn't want me to feel alone in it. A burden that it itself brings the feelings of hopelessness, despair, and loneliness. Something I have to fight every single day. Because they are not true feelings. They are a lie. Those feelings do not portray the magnitude of the wonderful and blessed life that I have.
This burden has been so so heavy. This burden has seeped into the one place I thought was mine. My mind is sacred and I thought was untouchable. I had to make a choice to fight with every fiber of my being to keep that place mine. It has become a huge blessing. I have never felt closer to my family, the Lord, and myself. I almost feel it has been the Lord's way of helping me filter out the things that were inhibiting my progression. What if this trial is one big tender mercy? What if that's what trials really are? Tender mercies.
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
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"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."
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