kitchens and hope

The kids were in bed, Brian was TDY, and I was just turning off all the lights downstairs when I walked into my kitchen and for a moment, a brief but cherished moment, it felt like my kitchen again.  The satisfaction and fulfillment of what takes place in that kitchen embraced me.  I stood there in silence soaking it all in.  I could feel. I remembered what it felt like to enjoy those little things. I could feel why I worked so hard everyday in that place.  It had so much meaning to me.  I no longer felt disconnected from my kitchen.  I desired to be in there.

(picture taken December 2012)

This moment made me realize how much I took for granted the very gift to feel. That those simple everyday tasks are a gift.  I saw a glimpse of hope.  Hope that I could feel again.  I could love what I feel.   Life didn't have to be a series of motions you do out of habit and necessity.  

As more and more of these moments of reconnecting find their way to me, I am filled with so much gratitude for the life I have.  I have so much hope for the life I have yet to live.  

As I share and write about my experiences I worry that people have the wrong perspective on this trial.  I do not seek attention, or worry from others.  I do not share to burden you with finding a solution.  I do not seek worry and a feeling of indifference from others.  I not only find healing in writing, but I find healing in knowing my experiences, words, or testimony of the knowledge I have attained from this heartache can bring even one person feelings of peace and guidance as they endure their own trials.   This is something that has been hard for me to share.  I think somewhere deep inside I truly felt if I kept it harbored I would be safe. I had this fear that people were judging me as if I had failed at something.  I feared no one would look at me the same way.  I feared people.  Something must be terribly wrong if I was basing my self worth off of other people.   Self worth.  Something I have never struggled with before and yet I could feel it slipping from my grasp. 

I am Happy.  I am me.  I might be different then I was before.  But that difference is my perspective and gratitude for life.  There are days I have to fight to feel.  But without those days I would not be where I am now.  I would not have the clarity to see God's hands in my life. 

I believe trials, afflictions, heartaches, grief, suffering, are a true act of love for God to allow us to go through them.  Being a mother I can barely bare the thought of my child banging his head, or having a fever.   I can't imagine the heartache it must bring to our Father in Heaven and yet it is a true act of love because He knows the amount of blessings and eternal promises far outweigh the pain and suffering we go through.  Proof that trials really are tender mercies. He loves us enough to let us go through them so we can attain His glory. His happiness. 

As I sat in the temple this past weekend pondering and praying I had words come to my mind.  They came quickly and hold deep importance for me.  They were from the spirit and I feel it to be something I will cherish forever.  I found meaning in the burden I carry.  I found truth in it.  Most importantly I found hope in it.  As Easter quickly approaches I feel it appropriate to share.  Oh how I love this time of year and to hear more vocally others come together with the purpose to celebrate life.  To celebrate the life of our Savior.  Our Redeemer.  He is our hope and our path to ALL healing.  He is our saving grace.  Through Him we have purpose in this life and there should be much rejoicing in Him.  It is because of Him we can have hope. 

Broken

As the world surrounds me in uncertain lengths

I am sure I stand with endless strength

From power on High I plead for peace

To hear the sorrow of one soul's cry

Here I am, here I stand

With strength and mercy from Heaven's hand

He's calling me, I hear my name

I bare the burden with no shame

For in that grievous darkest place

Leaves room for light in the deepest night

Without its trench I cannot float

Without its rage I see no hope

I must feel pain, I must be shattered

For only then will my pieces matter

Instill in me Thy glorious grace

A perfect love which bonds the break

Bring shadowed corners to the lightest truth

That one man's suffering heals deepest roots

His sacrifice frees my soul

His binding Atonement makes me whole

I see, I feel, my eyes are opened

In everlasting hope I am His devotion

by Kim Frandsen April 2014

(My favorite painting of Christ which hangs in my home.  by Del Parson)